[Farmer]

I have noticed a serious change taking place as I have been MB and P free for 36 days. My old porn collection and the images in it are a fuzzy memory. But, I have been accidentally replacing P with images from TV, TV commercials and TV Guide. This started gradually from as early as week one, and while it was unknown to me, it has been silently escalating ever since. I had to tear the cover off 3 of the last 4 issues of TV Guide and throw them away. I didn’t think much of that then; I just thought I was just removing the temptation. Over the last couple of days I have become aware that I have been “hard staring” at some of the commercials and characters on TV. I have been working very hard not to stare in real life and now it appears I am replacing that urge with TV images. This is one sneaky pair of addictions I have. Based on my past failures I now know that I am doomed unless I make some changes. I have already handled the TV Guide; I now only read the schedule grid. I am going to watch only shows that I record and fast forward the commercials and if I struggle any more I’ll just stop watching period.

Yesterday, I left my house very early and skipped one day of updating my journal. I went to play golf and every now and then while golfing I would have thoughts about viewing P. The previous evening I also had these same cravings. My last journal update talks about my having to leave the house to fight urges. I have been viewing P without even knowing it or at least manufacturing it in my head by turning decent images into P. I am sure that extending my Celibacy Contract from 30 to 60 days of no MB saved me. That was my lifeline. Also, my journal by reminding me of having to leave the house shows the value of writing each day.

I haven’t forgotten about writing my recovery plan, my sobriety plan and my history. I have been putting thoughts on 3 x 5 cards as things come to mind. This exercise has been helpful as well in keeping me straight.

I am still addicted to P. I am still addicted to MB. I am still 36 days clean.