[Farmer]

This morning I had to get out of bed 1.5 hours early, get dressed and go for a walk. The morning hours are when I would typically act out and it was like I had forgotten I am even in recovery. I was ready to act out before my feet hit the floor. When I returned from my 45 minute walk, I cleaned up and got dressed with nowhere to go for about 3 hours.

It started yesterday by being a mostly sunny day near 80 degrees. This was after a weekend of rain and the ladies were out and wearing their summer outfits. I did not fall for my triggers and I did not stare. But they were in my head anyway. When I got home I found myself negotiating, having an internal debate about viewing P. I won the debate and did not fall for this internal con job. One of my triggers is lady golfers either real life or on TV. Well Annika retired (Champion lady golfer for those who don’t know) and they were showing clips and interviews and here I go again thinking just one or two pics would be okay. Well, I made it into the evening, watched TV and went to bed happy that I had made it through a difficult day.

While out for today’s walk the only thing I could figure was yesterday’s triggers had built up and I was too happy. Being too happy is a trigger for me. While out I remembered how easily I slipped in the past with just one trigger getting the best of me. There, I have released a lot of anger by writing and I am thinking of other things. I have also been reminded not to get overly smug about being clean for over 30 days.

My celibacy contract is “no porn ever” and for me failure is not an option.

I will now spend some time with my affirmations:

“Even though I desire to view P, I deeply and profoundly accept myself.”

“Even though until now I have desired to view P, I now feel safe, peaceful, happy and free without it.”

“I choose to be free from this desire to view P.”