[Farmer]

This morning starts my 33rd day of sobriety. I have honored my celibacy contract and that makes me feel good. My celibacy contract:

No masturbation for 60 days (changed from 30 days at day 30)
And no masturbation until I have recovery plan in placeNo porn forever (I simplified this statement)

Yesterday I was able to replace some of my obsessive P & M thinking with thoughts of my addiction recovery. I also had a Chiropractor’s appointment and was being treated by the substitute doctor - Dr A. This Dr. happens to be a beautiful lady doctor and I was able to stay in the present and I was able to keep clean thoughts. (Pat on the back)

My thoughts of P have weakened, I occasionally think of my last site that I frequented but all the other sites and my downloads are getting fuzzier each day.

When I decided to quit I had over 75,000 downloads of P. I made the decision to do a “slow taper” instead of simply deleting the all at once. I turned the thumbnail feature off and each day I would delete 3 or 4 thousand files without peeking at the others. Around day 20 I was down to 1 folder labeled “My Top Ten”. This folder really contained about 500 files. There was a lot of tension in my stomach and my shoulders when I hit the delete key (I better not forget the fear I had either), but when the files were finally gone so was the fear. In my past attempts to quit P, I would delete everything all at once and I remember being thrown into depression doing it this way. I did avoid the depression this time.

I also use affirmations a lot and when I realized my addictions caused the problems in my last marriage that I previously blamed my ex-wife for, I wrote this and repeat it frequently.

“Even though I have hated Nancy and have held a grudge against her for over a decade, I now realize that it was my fault. My addiction to P, my addiction to M caused the problems that I blamed her for. I deeply and profoundly apologize. Nancy, I am very sorry,”

I posted this for me and I will continue to recite it until I can say it without emotion and no longer feel the rage I have held for 10 years. Wow, as I re-read this I actually had a friggn’ tear in my eye. I know it is working.