Dear leopold, Dan, and Mozart --
Thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers....I really do appreciate and need it.
Al--you brought up some very good and challenging points that I had, frankly, not considered.....to address them:
1. Being abstinent from porn (or any sin, for that matter) and then coming back to it is, I agree, something that's not just "out of the blue". While I do not like to give the devil more credit than he is due, I do believe that he does play a role in tempting me, but I fully acknowlege that the choice to disobey is mine. I think the thing that is different is that the ministries that I've been involved in have become richer in nature (i.e. more anointing, depth, etc..), and I do believe that in the near future, the Lord will open up the door for me to get married.
I totally agree with j-pac--porn degrades women and my perception of them, and it would be quite distructive to a marriage.....it would be terrible to go into a courtship with this addiction having control of my life, wouldn't it ?!
2. Al, you made the statement: "Yes, he has forgiven me each time. But if I am using his forgiveness as a crutch for acting outside his spirit, does he really dwell in my heart, or do I just like saying that?" Wow--that's a very sobering thought, isn't it? I think I can say that I don't look to his forgiveness as an excuse in my life--I think I'm just being disobedient to what I know He's called me to. I truly do believe He dwells in my heart, but its obvious that I've not totally surrendered every aspect of my being to him....this one's worth meditating on, I can tell.....
3. Regarding the scriptures....
a. Romans 8:1 -- No condemnation.....for me, that means that there is no harsh word, no attack of the devil, no opinion of myself that could separate me from the love of Christ. I agree, Al--when looking at Porn (or sinning, in general), I think I step out of Christ's will and, for a time, am not in Christ Jesus (i.e. I'm operating under the law of sin and death). But, God being so Merciful, would say "Come all those who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest". But that rest has a price, doesn't it? A total, complete, no "gray-area" surrender to the Father.......this is a huge price to pay, is it not (from our perspective). I think this surrender constitutes Walking in the Spirit (Gal Chapter 5).
b. Ps 103:12--Sins as far as the east is from the west.......upon making that surrender to the Father, our sins are covered by the blood that was shed at Calvary, and He remembers them no more.
c. I said that we're human beings that can easily be tempted and allow our passions to overcome our reason.....this was more of a personal statement of mine, but I think some scripture that goes along with this would be Gal 5:17 and Rom 7:5-6
And, here's another one that, quite frankly, scares me somewhat: Hebrews 10:26-31 "For if we go on sinning willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a terrifying expectation of judgment andTHE FURY OF A FIRE WHICH WILL CONSUME THE ADVERSARIES. Anyone who has set aside the Law of Moses dies without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much severer punishment do you think he will deserve who has trampled under foot the Son of God, and has regarded as unclean the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know Him who said, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY." And again, "THE LORD WILL JUDGE HIS PEOPLE." It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God."
Actually, Dan, maybe I'm proving your point(s) for you
Many thanks to all for your prayers and advise......I hope we can continue this discussion for a while...
Blessings,
PJ