[Farmer]

I am a 59 year old male and I am addicted to MB, P and recently I added Cybersex to my addictions. I used a webcam for about a month and hit bottom. I was online 4 to 6 hours a day. I realized that I was in a place where I didn’t want to be doing things I didn’t want to do. For me, webcam and cybersex is the crack cocaine of pornography.

I have been aware of my addiction to P & MB for 10 years and I have tried to quit 4 times previously and failed each try. After my 3rd divorce I felt that it wasn’t worth it to go find another partner. I just accepted MB as my sex life and I have been in a downward spiral ever since.

To start my recovery I wrote a celibacy contract:
No masturbation for 30 days
No masturbation until I have recovery plan in place
No viewing porn forever, this means viewing porn to masturbate with or downloading porn for future masturbation.
Today I am into my 31st day of abstinence from my addictions. After day 5, I felt this euphoria, very clear headed and fresh for 3 or 4 days. Then withdrawal set in and I was having muscle aches, mood swings, irritable and very depressed. About day 14 I started having strong urges to MB. Even after 30 days I still have the urges but not nearly as strong now and manageable. So far the urges to view P have been weak or none at all. This needs watching over carefully because I remember just catching a glimpse of the morning workout lady on TV knocked me off the wagon previously. I have a lot of triggers and I need to be on guard.

This morning I extended my celibacy contract for no MB another 30 days. The reason I did this is during the 1st 30 days of no MB and P, I started remembering things I had long forgotten. I started MB and P at the age of 10. By the time I was 13, I was addicted or at least compulsively MB with P. This early exposure to my Dad’s magazine hooked me. I have been a life long addict.

Also, I had been carrying a grudge and a deep hatred towards my ex-wife, blaming her for my addictions. After doing a lot of reading about sex addiction and some recovery exercises (questionnaires), I came to realize that my anger towards her is unfounded. I was addicted to sex that was the problem. I would make advances towards her and be rejected. I would become angry and feel sorry for myself and then wait to be alone and MB. Then it escalated quickly to MB and P. And when we did have sex I would frequently MB afterwards when I could sneak it in. I began to prefer MB and P over sex with my wife. Sex with my wife became difficult, without P, I was having erectile dysfunction problems.

Now that I have over come the denial I have been in, I’ll wait another 30 days and then re-evaluate. Also, I have not written my recovery plan. Since I am single my recovery plan will allow for healthy MB, I just don’t know how to define that appropriately for me.

This journal will be an important part of my recovery it is the 1st time I have told the truth about my addictions and how they affected my marriages and my life. Thanks.