56 year old married fellow

[brokensoul]

i understand that i have to rebuild what i have broken
i also understand that what i did hurt my wife
i have been finding as much info that i can find on both these issues
i have been working hard and feel that i am different
i have tried to open up
but there is something else i can't see or get her to open up about
i well keep tring i would go back to my internet hiding place
but i lost
today i came home and just started talking about her day and mine she she i was yelling so i just said i wasn't and talked at a lower level
10 min later everything was good
this is a ride that makes me worried
stay strong

[dave42]

Hang in there Dave and Brokensoul!

I think the old saying about time healing all wounds is true. In the grand scheme of things, all three of us have been clean for such a short time, but I'll bet with time your SOs will be more helpful. Is it possible that their lack of support is their way of protecting themselves? I can picture their logic like this (although it's probably not as conscious as this is going to sound), "He wants me to support him, but he's only been clean for a short time. I can't go out on a limb and support him, because if he fails, I'll feel like I've been 'taken' (again)."

I don't know, but I do know this: you guys should be so proud of yourselves for the progress you are making. It's really fantastic. Hang in there with the struggle itself and with the complications with your SOs. Oh, and give yourselves credit that you are talking with your SOs -- I'm too afraid to bring it up!

All the best,

Dave42 (now 43)

[Walkman]

I may hold some sort of record (not that I ever aimed at doing something like this). I am 79 and have fought PA and M for 65 years. I thought I would tell you a little about myself.

I am very fortunate; I am in good health, married, with children and grandchildren. My wife and I get along well as does our extended family.

Bluntly, S is out of the picture now, but I continue to enjoy P immensely. I am very PA, without really understanding why.

I use (or think I use) my PA to make me more thoughtful of my wife and family and more creative. However, I realize I may be fooling myself.

At any event, I have read a number of posts to different forums and have found three things to be true and that apply in my case: (1) that PA tends to occupy an increasing amount of my time unless I strictly limit it, (2) that the hours spent with P tend to leave me feeling empty, as if the time had been wasted, and (3) that I keep searching for something that I regard as the 'answer' in porn but have never found it. As a matter of fact, when I revisit a P website often enough, I grow bored with it.

I have been able to stop PA for up to a month. The times I have been able to do that have made me more energetic, able to accomplish more in the real world and feeling happier. The problem is that during the time I'm stopped, something (it can be totally innocuous) catches my eye and I began thinking about P again.

I am almost certain that my wife is aware of my PA for years (I tried to share it with her at one point) but has never said anything about it. However, when I am in one of my stopped periods and get to thinking about P again, I tend to become curt and impatient -- even with her -- and she complains how inconsiderate I've become.

Perhaps that's why she never complains about my PA.

I have decided I want to not only stop the PA but I want to rid myself of it so I can become more creative. But I fear I might become too grumpy and really offend my wife if I try too hard.

I don't know if any of you share my problem, but I would appreciate any and all suggestions or advice you would care to offer.

Many thanks,
Walkman

[Daniel]

Walkman,

Thank you very much for sharing your story.

You may have ran across some of the things I will mention and if so I apologize now...

Regarding your "three things to be true"...

Originally Posted by Walkman

(1) that PA tends to occupy an increasing amount of my time unless I strictly limit it

Absolutely. I submit that P will continue to grow in your life until is has everything. As I have said, and really quoting a friend from years ago:

"P is a monster. It only wants more."

Originally Posted by Walkman

(2) that the hours spent with P tend to leave me feeling empty, as if the time had been wasted

I have had the exact same feeling hundreds, thousands(?) of times. And guess what, the time HAS BEEN wasted. This is a hard thing to admit but anything else is a rationalization.

Originally Posted by Walkman

(3) that I keep searching for something that I regard as the 'answer' in porn but have never found it. As a matter of fact, when I revisit a P website often enough, I grow bored with it.

This rings true too. I have looked and looked for the 'ultimate' but the target moves around. When we believe we have found the 'ultimate' we then find we have not. And the search goes on and on. And yes, I also grew bored with sites I first found very stimulating. Only to later need 'more and more', in terms of volume not in terms of more bizarre etc. This is the Law of Diminishing Returns in action.

You probably know this but we get certain physio-chemical responses when viewing the illicit material. Namely the endorphin rush we experience becomes exactly like a drug-induced high. Do we not feel stimulated? Do we not "feel good" when using? Yes, let's admit it, It Felt Great.

But deep down we know it's wrong, that's the major problem.

And these P-viewing-induced 'highs' we experience.. suffice it to say we want to feel more of it and more often.

Then we need more and more P to get the same high.

Or we look at more and more and experience no high or only a mild one and wonder what we need to do to get that old high back.

Thus begins the vicious cycle of looking for more and more and more and more and more and more, and away goes your time, then your relationships, etc., etc.

The grumpi-ness you refer to, at least in my theory, is the withdrawal effect of coming off your high. You want more. If you can't get more you get irritable.

Off we go to get a high, to get a fix if you will, and wa-lah, we're all better.

Originally Posted by Walkman

I am almost certain that my wife is aware of my PA for years (I tried to share it with her at one point) but has never said anything about it. However, when I am in one of my stopped periods and get to thinking about P again, I tend to become curt and impatient -- even with her -- and she complains how inconsiderate I've become.

Pretty safe bet your wife does know.

My wife knew (married 13 years almost).

Your wife's 'Woman's Instinct' has informed her, almost certainly. And God bless 'em! If not for my wife I'd be living in a cave looking at P.

Walkman, if you really want to be free from this addiction, you have found a great place to make a start on the Journey to Freedom.

P has fogged your brain. One of the lies is you can't live without it. Another one could be why bother?

Once you're clean for a while you will have the perspective to see just how much of a hold this thing REALLY has on you.

Congratulations for coming in and posting. That takes guts big time.

Originally Posted by Walkman

I have decided I want to not only stop the PA but I want to rid myself of it so I can become more creative. But I fear I might become too grumpy and really offend my wife if I try too hard.

Your bold decision is an excellent decision. I applaud you. I believe your life will be so much better, once the fog clears, it will be so grand that your decision will be affirmed over and over.

You (We) can formulate a plan to get through the Stages...


However I can help,

Daniel

[Walkman]

Daniel –

Wow, what an encouraging email! Thank you for the welcome and the suggestion to set up a plan of action.

As you say, PA results in endorphin rushes. The highs are very enjoyable, but are short-lived. But also, the highs tend to change their nature as they become downers. The only other addiction I’ve had similar to PA was an addiction to smoking, so I’ll try to draw an analogy.

When I smoked, I found nothing more delightful than lighting up a fresh cigarette while I was at ease and able to fully enjoy it. I savored the rush as I inhaled and enjoyed the aroma as I let out the curls of smoke. For a brief time, I felt I was fully enjoying the best in life. But, when I stubbed out the butt in an ashtray - put there to collect the debris I created - I had nothing left but a twisted butt, ashes, foul-smelling breath and perhaps a fresh cinder hole or two burned in my clothes. When I departed the scene, the odor stayed behind and was difficult to remove. Then, there’s all the coughing and spitting up phlegm the next morning …

In my mind, I try to compare the effects of PA to the effects of cigarette plus also the impending fear of shock and shame from possible exposure. The worst is when the self-gratification you enjoy so much deeply hurts the one you love.

Men are biologically programmed to be sexually aggressive. In predator-prey theory, humans are prey. The males, being generally larger and stronger than females, plus not burdened with the task of child-bearing, are ethically at their finest when defending and supporting women and children. And when men can unite with others, men and women alike, to protect and improve their community, they are at their all-time heroic best.

This is the theoretical basis of my plan for getting rid of PA.

I hope to be able to train my brain to gain the same endorphin rush from doing what might be termed ‘good deeds’ that I get from PA.

The difference between performing a good deed and viewing P is obvious, but it’s a good thing to keep reminding one’s self.

Viewing P is done for the individual; doing a good deed is for someone else.

Discovered P can cause feelings of revulsion and anger; good deeds can create feelings of admiration.

Since I’ve retired, I have learned to give myself small rushes by doing good deeds. This is what I’m really working on, making those rushes bigger. If a neighbor has a flat tire, I hope to some day be able to gain more of a rush from helping change the tire than watching P.

If I am able to do that. I don’t know.

We’ll see.

Again, Daniel, thanks for your email. You’ve gotten me to put down a lot in black and white that I’ve never written before. You’ve helped me clarify my thinking.

Walkman