My Story and Challenges- Boris

[boris]

I've been clean 7 days, so I'm still on the quitting high.

I'm glad there's a place for us 40+ guys to discuss issues particular to our place in life, without having to explain ourselves and our situations too deeply.

About me:

I'm 53, happily married 20 years. My wife and I have a good marriage and get along fine. It wasn't until a few years ago that I developed a habit with P/MB. I always had a problem with M, especially as a teenager, which I suspect most teenage boys do. By choice, I remained virgin until I got married at 31, because of my religious beliefs. How's that for self control!lol In my twenties, I worked hard to break the M addiction. It wasn't something I wanted to bring into my marriage. I felt good about that and about myself.

In my mid forties I contracted Guillain Barre Syndrome, which left me paralyzed from the neck down. After years of rehab, I've made an almost complete recovery. I'm not the same man I was, but not so bad for a reconditioned model lol.

Our intimate life waned during my illness and somehow it's been hard to get it back. I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome as a side effect of my illness, and my wife is stuck running the business we built together years ago, to support the two of us. Though exhausted as well, she presses on, uncomplainingly. She's great- the woman I want to spend eternity with.

I've have a hard time dealing with my wife's rejections of my romantic advances. I know it's because she's too tired. I understand her limitations, and I feel bad enough knowing that my physical problems got us into this predicament in the first place. But I feel undesirable and unattractive. I'm really pretty normal looking, but I specialize in self inflicted head trips and ego bashing.lol

A few years ago, I was looking online to see how I might be able to jump start our love life, as well as help me to deal with my own sexual insecurities, some old, and some brought on by my illness. Needless to say, I let myself get drawn in. MB seemed to be a quick solution for me in the middle of the night, since it didn't require anything of my wife, nor me. In retrospect, it was selfish thinking on my part. I always feel guilty afterward though, knowing I'm not working to build a closer relationship, but driving a wedge through our intimacy. Viewing P when home alone, under the guise of looking up "men's health" issues, just exacerbates the situation.

Viewing P goes against everything I believe in. I engaged in viewing it infrequently, maybe once every few weeks, but that minimizes nothing. The mental imagery has had such damaging effects on me- terrible images, and it always leads to M. I consider both of these as forms of marital infidelity. I'm cheating on my wife, whether it be by myself, or with the some filthy images I've welcomed into my mind. It's all the same in my book.

I'm trying hard now to push those images out of my mind, and I know that it's going to take time before those chemical ruts that I've burned into my mind from what I've viewed are healed, and filled in with righteous imagery.

In the meantime, I've been writing a lot here on this site to reinforce my commitment to staying clean. I've severed all ties to any online communities/sites that will even remotely lead me where I don't want to be. I'm reading and meditating on the scriptures daily, with my own recovery in mind. I'm trying to keep busy, enjoying my wife and life in the moment.

This is the first time I've admitted that P/MB is my problem and responsiblilty, so it's the first time I'm being proactive in kicking the habit. I am petrified of failure or relapse.

So if it seems like I'm obsessed, posting all over this site, I am. It's keeping me clean and safe. And I like that feeling.

Thanks Guys, for being here.

boris

[landslide]

Boris,
I am posting alot too, I think that is what you do when you are desperate. Then with recovery it is easy to stop cause things are going ok. I think that is why the 12th step in any program is important. That the people that did recover help the newbies learn too. I find it very therapeutic. I think it is even better than a home written journal. I have never done this type of internet group before, but it is nice to be able to write out your thoughts, and know you are 'heard' but I dont get the feeling like a am a 'downer' or 'complainer' when I voice my thoughts. At home I do tend to feel like I am just a drag. So this is a good area to get those things out. Also, in some ways it is nice to be start trying being a little honest with your feelings and than building on those honest thoughts. I held so mush in, that it is really crazy to see me putting my pain in order, into words, and things that my husband tells me that mess me up in my head---and I say 'no' that is not ok, not for me! What a difference than from a month ago when I started reading these posts. The people in this forum obviously care how you are doing, but I think there is also the realization that each of us need to be here on this forum for ourselves. Take care, and if I can tell you what works for me--take one day, one hour, or one minute at a time. When I feel like having a drink to drown my pain it helps to say to myself, 'This too will pass' and if I get busy with something else....anything else I make it through that tough spot. Hang in there, you are doing great.

[boris]

Thanks Landslide,

It takes a very special person to stand by their PA.
I've beat other addictions before (cigarettes, prescription drug dependency), but this is the first one that carries so much shame.

I want apologize for the pain that all PAs cause their SOs. My wife has no knowledge of my transgressions, but that doesn't mean my actions haven't hurt her or our relationship.Hopefully, one day I will be a strong enough man to apologize to her in person.