[Nordman]

I feel something broke yesterday. I logged on in the morning, all was fine and I knew I was gonna beat the urges.

Today I feel I can't do anything. I feel like a broken cup, that whatever I do now will just spill onto the ground and be wasted.

Yesterday afternoon I was in a good mood, though stressed because of my thesis. I wrote in my log how the urges came back with strings of logic attached. In the afternoon they returned again, but rather than giving in I took a break and went home to send my wife off to her frist day in a new job. She was nervous, and I thought we might both need a little intimacy to better meet our challenges. My own reactions disappointed me. I didn't get aroused and though mentally eager to have sex, my body was not up to it. This is not the first time it has happened, but it's been a good while since last time. I reckon it's got something to do with kicking the PA. I wasn't prepared to react this way, and I felt a little deceived. Shouldn't love life pick up? i thought,and the addict part of me hung on to it.

So back at the work later in the afternoon I fell right into old habits. And then all self esteem and respect flooded out of me. Before I did it I didn't think i would feel so bad afterwards. a little later i couldn't find the decency to post here.( I''ve been nervous to tell you.) So just a little later I found myself at it again. And today. a little while ago.

Some part of me still think of P as a treat, though i really don't enjoy it so much when surfing! I just keep clicking frantically around, searching for something I like (not extreme in any way, just the "right" pics, you know), So when i have been down this last day, i haven't had my defenses at all. Everything has been right back where it was before i joined here. Everything reminds me of porn, every girl i see also. My insides ache with a hunger, like a hole that all joy gets sucked into. I even dramt about it. Images keep popping up in my brain.

Please help me, somebody. I feel like s*** and my balls ache. And all the time I want to see more porn!