[HalfPint]

oh, don't apologize for having a long reply, it was really good. I apreciate you taking the time to write it out, and it helps me understand a little bit more.
I have never quite understood why some people get offended when a straight guy says "thats gay". I've used it in that way before, but never in a negative way towards a person. Back in the day the word gay meant happy, or delighted. It didn't mean homosexual man. I guess thats one reason I don't hesitate to use it as "stupid" or "dumb". The words definition has changed several times for different people so thats why I use that.

Also, on one hand, I may not be gay but I can relate to you. I cant remember the word that some people have called me. Maybe you can help me out. The word means "Guy who isn't attracted to other men, but enjoys things that people who are feminine enjoy". Kind of like, I would rather watch ice scating instead of football. Or, I would rather go to an opera instead of a baseball game. I love romantic movies instead of action movies, and a good sad story or happy story makes me cry.

After saying that, many people have mistakenly called me gay, which personally it does bother me. Its against my religion to be gay (its viewed as a sin) but the people are still viewed as normal people. Just like if I lie, its no worse, kind of thing. So someone saying that I'm gay, to me, Is like their accusing me of sinning and its something that I don't like. (also at the same time I have friends who are gay, I see them as equal people, I accept them for who they are and what they do). I can understand how you hate yourself because of all of this. I have hated myself for a long time, I think I'm ugly in fact. I used to slit my wrists and cut my legs because of the pain inside of me loathing myself and having the feeling that everyone else things I'm different and ugly. I felt that it could all be traced back to my "being more in touch with my feminine side" (insert that word that some people have called me here).

I believe the only way that the subject of my self loathing and being more feminine can be linked to my porn addiction is that perhaps it created more stress in my life, and when cutting didn't create a big enough high I turned to porn. But at the same time, one who has lost a family member, or who isn't accepted for another reason, someone who may have just as much stress, if not more, could be in the same situation and be addicted to porn. I guess thats why I don't see it as something directly connected to porn addiction and should be left that way. Being gay is partially a sexual preference, you prefer men, and I prefer women. I think the only way it would effect my porn usage is what type of porn I look at (but maybe not). I don't know. Other than that, I don't know what to say. I have no idea where you could go to talk with someone who is gay, but we here at ttf accept you for who you are, and are willing to help you no matter what, and encourage you all the way. You are the same person to me now, as you were before you said you were gay. To me, the gay part doesn't matter, your another guy who's suffering with porn addiction who needs my help, who needs the help of others on here, (as friends of course) and I'm sure I'm not the only one willing to help you out.

Anyways, good luck with your journey, I hope that you can find the support your looking for, and congratulations on getting this far as is, its a big accomplishment.