[Newman]

ATraversLesFlammes,

I am new here. This is my first post. I was struck by how difficult your struggle is as described in your post. I write this not as an expert but in the hope that something I write might help you to keep trying to overcome this "perversion" as you describe it, and with which I agree.

By your reference to fighting a perversion at 50, I assume you are at least that age. I am a bit past that, but not far. And, I couldn't agree with you more. Fighting a perversion at 50 doesn't sound good at all. The thrill of P started with me when I was in grammar school. Female anatomy always fascinated me. Viewing my first "men's" magazine gave me a rush that I don't think I've experienced since.

Although I had concerns about the progression of my habit I kept telling myself that using P was something that young boys/men did, that it was not so unusual and that we grew out of it. I told myself that all through high school, through college, through post graduate training, through marriage, through three children up until about a year ago. I won't go into too much detail but if you've read about sexual addiction you know that there is a progression that leads to increasingly risky behavior in spite of increasingly serious consequences.

My problems lead me away from time at work to the point where, due to my lack of production, my income was drastically reduced. Although I promised myself thousands of times that I would stop, and really, really really, meant it the last time, I never could. I finally sought professional help about a year ago from a psychologist. But, in order to keep things private, I chose a psych out of town and although I attended two or three sessions with good results, I simply couldn't attend as regularly as I needed. But, my assumption that I was a sex addict was confirmed by a professional.

As you might expect, I relapsed and continued viewing P and participating in other risky behaviors until a few weeks ago I realized I was not going to stop this without help. I located a psychologist in my home town and have now been to two sessions with my third scheduled. No magic wand has been waived to cure me. I've viewed P since I started the sessions but, for reasons I am not able to explain, it doesn't seem to have the thrill or the compulsive pull on me that it once had. I hope it stays that way, but I have my doubts. The other behaviors have been avoided for several months, but for reasons other than my steadfastness.

There were times when I considered ending my life, but not often. I finally reached the point where I realized my life was being destroyed and if I was going to salvage what I had left I had to get help from an expert. I encourage you to do this. The simple step of setting this up will, in and of itself, give you some hope and optimism. However, it will not be magic and although I suspect some have turned away from this addiction "cold turkey" the most likely scenario is a struggle with ups and downs over a period of years leading to ever longer periods of sobriety with maintenance.

I think it will be worth the fight. I hope you do too. Please check to see if there is a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist in your town who can help you with this. You might start with your MD and tell him you'd like a referral. But, do something. This addiction seems to thrive on the lie that all we have to do is try harder to stop. I couldn't.

I wish you the very best.