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Originally Posted by Jacinda24  The part that I truly don't understand is why the men can't stop? If you love someone why would you degrade them in such a disgusting way? Why not end the relationship with the woman? You've already choose porn over them. You gave up your right to love and be loved by choosing porn. You made a conscious decision. |
The sad thing about PA and SA in general is that it's not always a conscious decision...just as most Alcoholics didn't choose to be alcoholics it kinda snuck up on them and bit them in the arse. Addiction is something that takes over ones rational mind, they can see what it's doing to them they just can't stop it. Most PA's never realize until it's to late the damage they've done to their spouses or loved ones or even them selves. We live in a society that pushes sex to sell everything from toothpaste to cars, it's every where you look...emphasis is put on most of us from a very young age that beauty and sexy are what's important. It's provacotive, it's "wrong/naughty" and has a draw. Sex draws on a primal part of our core being, ropes around it and holds on for dear life.
Yes pa's have, from a SO perspective, chosen P over them...but in many cases it doesn't mean that they love us any less, just that the demon of addiction has latched on and won't let go. The euphoria that a pa gets with p use is similar to the high a drug addict gets by using drugs, it overwhelms the senses and blocks out that rational mind that says "wait maybe this is bad, I should be with my wife or husband, I should be doing something else"...but it's to late they're hooked.
I know it's hard to see this when you are in the midst of being hurt by your spouses pa. It's hard to see their side, it's hard to not feel, think, react like we as women do. But when it comes down to it...Men don't think like us, they don't rationalize like us, and they don't "feel" things the way we do...but that's not to say that they are irrational or unfeeling, it's just one of the things that makes us unique. PA is an addiction that robs a person of Self esteem, self worth, and control...the sad thing is it effects the pa and the so in similar ways. The best thing I ever did in my recovery with my husband was to step back, and do everything in my power to educate myself about what he was going through, really going through...and to learn how I could help him without compromising myself...and to teach him how to help me without compromising his own recovery. It's a fine line we so's walk, to be supportive without loosing our selves in the battle.
That being said Jacinda your situation merits some changes in how to react, because you're loved one isn't just viewing p, he has taken it to a different level of sexual addiction...it's no longer a nameless person on a screen it's other women even if in strictly chat scenario...This is not ok, this is not healthy, this is degrading to you on a level that makes my heart hurt for you. The inner feminist in me wants to scream run, run like the wind...but the rational part of me knows that when you love someone you can't just clip those feelings. He does need to come out of denial and see that what he is doing is harmful to himself and to you, and it is becoming behavior that could escalate into something much much worse. It's no longer a matter of his addiction to p, it's crossed into a different level of SA. I recommend you reading up on Sexaholics Anon...and for yourself S-anon. This might help you to decide what is best for you.
Peace and love,
Crys