[dave]

I am going to try a tough thing - offer you some insight into the insanity of what we men are trapped in.

I don't mean to read all the SO posts but when I look at the 'new posts' every day - there they are - those arresting topics that command attention - desperate women trying to grasp what the H is going on in their male partners lives
Well here goes one feeble late night attempt at what may be goig on in their guys heads.

I have been P and M clean for over 4 months and many things are becoming clearer.

Our society saturates us with sexual images. Visiting a sex shop is a normal thing for couples to do.
Even everyday clothing now shows off more and more curves. Low cut shirts are the rage now.
Then the internet gives us a 'free' chance to take a peek 'for free'. Totally private and no strings attached. We get drawn into it and the insanity of it all gradually grabs ahold.
Quick easy orgasms with no effort and no consequences. There are no boundries. No one ever talks about it openly except to brag or make jokes.
I have always loved my wife dearly but I gradually allowed myself these guilty pleasures. I rationalized that - I am not perfect - at least this sin is private and has on consequences. HA HA

But the P takes a hold. I loved my partner deeply but I loved P too. I thought I could have both. I was in denial - this is the insanity part. We do things that hurt ourselves and those around us but we think we are getting away with it.

And then we cross the line where it becomes compulsive.
Now we are really trapped. We feel bad about it - but it feels so good that we do it to recover from feeling bad.
EVERY ONE of us tried to stop. But when we fail we feel bad and P is such a great magic feeling drug. It gives a short term rush that covers the pain of the mess we are in.

Without being too sexist there is something about the below the waist urge in guys that really commands physical attention. I am not saying that women don't have this too. But we have a P industry targetting us

When we try to quit we go thru withdrawl. It is tough to quit daily orgasms.

Our world is spinning and sometimes partners want us to open up and be new people so quickly. We are lost.

My heart goes out to those of you whose partners are still in denial.

But I feel even more sympathy for both SO and partners who are in the early stages of recovery.

My first few weeks were H. I wanted closeness, I missed P and daily quick easy orgasms, I felt like the world's bigger looser. I felt that I would loose the one I loved. I had trouble imagining ever feeling balanced again. Everything was in a stew.

A few guys like me go to tears under the stress - This drove my wife nuts and she kept her distance - exactly what I DIDN'T need. But I hung in there and as my emotions settled we reconnected and recovery in our relationship could began.

Other guys clam up under the pressure - No P - No sex - No self worth. I realize those clammed up guys are driving you SO women nuts but it is all they know how to do. My view is that keeping your emotional and physical distance can make things overly difficult.
This it just my opinion but I suspect that those clammed up guys are crying inside - they are lost, frightened and afraid of what life will be like without P. That is the insanity part.

It seems we MUST quit P and regain lost relationships. But in the early stages of quitting I could hardly live without P and sex let alone begin working on the relationship.

You women are AMAZING in the way you can articulate your feeling so well.

We P addicts have feeling too but we have learned to use sex as a drug to handle them. I am sure that some researcher somewhere can elaborate on just how powerful this rush is.
And we get trapped into this cycle of destructive dependancy.

I'm going in circles here but I just want to offer the following conclusions.

If your guy is wanting to quit set boundries but leave the emotional and physical channels open.
If you lived with his P use for years, perhaps a few weeks of patience as he finds his way to sanity are worth it.
He NEEDS other guys to disclose to - I use SAA
He NEEDS a counselor - someone who knows PA and is separate from the SO
He NEEDS to know that you will be there for him IF he makes an effort
He NEEDS real boundries
He NEEDS time to see a way thru - promises to quit won't cut it.
In the end - you as an SO are the sane one - especially if you are writing on this site.
Eventually you may have to end the relationship but perhaps my ideas give a glimmer into what he is going thru.

A late nite ramble from one guy who is extremely grateful for a partner who offerd time, bounderies and support.
Dave