[LOST]

It has been a while since my last entry but I guess you always come back when you need help.
Anyway, the last week was overall a pretty good one. I can feel the positive effects that my being porn free has on my relationship and me. It is hard to explain but somehow I can think clearer and the conversations my wife and I have are more constructive. It feels like that there was always this invisible wall of lies between us and now it is gone. There are no more secrets or lies that I have to tell her or MYSELF. It is a very positive and rewarding feeling indeed.
But it isn’t easy all the time. I’ve been at home for the last 3 days with a cold. No way of working out or leaving the house and distracting myself in any other way. The temptation was always there but I felt strong until today….
A friend of mine told me about this web site where you can watch movies online. Basically you can watch anything you want, from the newest movies that are still playing in the theaters to PORN. So I was cruising through the movie titles (they weren’t separated after different genres) and there was this one title that sounded kind of fishy but you couldn’t have been sure. Anyway, I clicked to open a description of the movie and there it was: a picture of the cover of the DVD. Two naked girls and a guy in the middle. I closed the window and turn the computer off.
In a way I feel proud that I stopped there and didn’t start watching the movie or masturbated. On the other hand I feel like I failed. I knew that title sounded fishy but I couldn’t stand the temptation and I had to look. So I lost this battle. I keep asking myself what I could have done differently but I know all the answers: I deliberately put myself into this position, I turned on the computer, I went to this web site, and even after I noticed that there was porn on this site I didn’t turn away. I guess I wanted to know how far I would be able to go without failing.
I guess what I am trying to say is that the dangers are out there EVERYWHERE! And that I noticed I still have a long way to go on my road to a porn free life!
BTW: I am in for the August challenge!