[Lucky Man]

Thanks FM, and your right I do have to be strong. I don’t know if we will make it or not, but I am willing to spend my whole life trying to make it up to her. This isn’t a marriage councilor’s site, but I just have to keep writing about what devastation p has created. If this helps anyone say to themselves “man, I don’t want to be in his shoes”, then that will be one less person that has to go through this living hell. The only redeeming issue of this nightmare is that I am p and mb free, and wil continue on my path of recovery no matter what happens, there is NO place for that in my new life, whatever that may be. Here’s my mission planner I made up yesterday….

My mission guide plan:

My new life started on June 1st 2008.

I am weakest when:

I am alone, and I am alone a lot. I have a revolving schedule and work a lot of nights and weekends. Over the years I started giving in to my boredom and the justifications and rationalizing of my behavior to look at p and mb got the better of me.

To counter this I will:

I have already changed my schedule at work, I will be working all day shifts, and very few week-ends, this was for many reasons, but with more time with my family I will be able to keep my thoughts and priorities in line.

My biggest triggers are:

That’s a tough one. I have mb for close to 40 years, and the p for 25. Not thinking I had a problem with either, just did it whenever I wanted, not lying about it just not sharing the information with anyone. That slowly started to take over more and more of who I was and affected me in several not so positive ways. I started replacing my intimate time with my wife with my “habit”. All of this was unknown to me, I blamed our lack of sex to the rigors of marriage and gloomed around telling myself that if she loved me, she would show it, and that she just wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I was a moody bastard, and knowing deep down that the love of my life did in fact still love and desire me made me transparent. The amount of times Storm would ask me what’s wrong? And my snappy reply of “nothing I’m just tired”, man if I had a dollar for every time I said that…..Sorry I digress….my triggers-- in the past I would have access to p everywhere I turned, my own, crap lying around at work, stations I would go to throughout my job. EVERYWHERE. So I had the opportunity and the time. Not a good thing for someone not admitting that they have a problem.

To counter this I will:

Now this one I like. This actually made me feel good for a minute. I dumped every bit of p I had, 100’s of old mags. and a shoe box of very old vhs tapes. I also took the liberty to junk anything I found lying around at work, not caring if they belonged to someone or not. If I see it, it’s going in the can. And I don’t have a problem letting others know my position on p, I feel that my candor with the topic will make people realize just how serious I am to keep that crap out of my life. So to counter my triggers of having time and opportunity, I will not let p be an option in my life. As long as I have that instilled in my thought process, I’m good to go. You could line the streets with p, but it’s all going in the can. Mind over matter!

I am going to replace my new found free time with:

Wow, where do I start. First more REAL time with my family, I feel like I have just been going through the motions, kind of like a bad day at work where you catch yourself looking at the clock all day long. Things recently have been much better, I feel stronger, look healthier. (lost 25 pounds on the sorrow and guilty diet plan-wouldn’t recommend it) I am also spending a considerable amount of time on this site and similar ones, it’s amazing how reading and posting your struggles and aspirations can help. Lastly, anything healthy, I have toned down, so I think I’ll try to hit the weights and get physically stronger, and spend more time in the garden, that is very therapeutic for me.