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Originally Posted by Lucky Man  I have spent hours on this site today, and felt good about where I was and the direction of my relationship with Storm. |
Perfect, you are on the right direction. But acknowledge that every path, and every road, will have twists and turns and obstacles in your way. You just need to learn to negotiate them, and maintain a smooth drive in the same constant direction.
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Originally Posted by Lucky Man But I have to say that I just had the most horrible guilt and sorrow experience that it’s hard to even talk about it. Storm knew something was wrong, but I really didn’t want to tell her I felt crappy, because I SHOULD feel crappy, and up till now thought I knew the pain Storm was going through. Wrong. I don’t know if this is part of the road to recovery, or what the hell it is, but I feel more pain for what I did now, right now than when I was “caught”. Is that how I could do it in the first place, by disconnecting with my feelings, by rationalizing my behavior?? |
You feel more guilty now, because previously, and more subconsciously your were desensitized to the real world. You sort of turned a blind eye to what was really happening. Selfishly we just thought about our pastimes and our highs, and did not pay any attention to the effects it had on others and impacts on our moods etc.
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Originally Posted by Lucky Man I am so overwhelmed by guilt right now. The worst part is, no matter how terrible I might feel for my actions, I know it’s much worse for Storm. When I finally told her what was wrong with me she told me to post my feelings, and maybe it would help me (which it did) and maybe someone else. |
Glad you acknowledge that, Whatever it is, We are only feeling a small fraction as to what we put our loved ones through.
Still to this day I will read something my wife posts, and it can kill me! I would think Gosh i totally forgot about that, OMG did i really do that, Did i really make her feel that crap. I myself for the past. But thats just it. I have to grit my teeth, and draw my confidence on what I am now. By remembering the past, I learn and educate myself. I made a huge mistake, By learning about that mistake, Im equipping myself with very thick armour to defend myself against any future temptations.
So in short LM, there is no blue pill or red pill to take here to make the pain go away, if there was, Storm would have taken it long before you looked for it. Guilt will always be there, but if you draw a thick line, and acknowledge what is past and what is current, you will gain strength from it. Right now the scales are weighted against your past actions. You need to focus on putting the weight onto making new happy memories now.
Youve got a wonderful attitude, channel that enthusiasm, channel that pain and focus it into the now!
FM