I know what you mean, the down side of being truly bisexual is that I am truly stuck on the fence with everything i come in contact with. I think very much like a man a times, and at others like a woman...I find I have two extreme personalities in my head at times too...I have moments where I sway from the Extreme stereotype of the male personality and the extreme stereotype of the female, now the down side of this is I'll find myself checking out "chicks" in a bar in a crass way, then get pissed off because the male bartender can't look me in the eye "because there up here, hello". That's just a moderate example but, I'm sure you get where i'm coming from.
I told that little ditty, to follow in to this one, I had a very good friend for 17 years that I have recently had to cut loose. He is a gay male, hell I told him in the 6th grade when we "dated", Man you can tell me if you're gay, i won't judge you i'll still love you..."it still took him 4 years to come out to me, go figure". I've watched him go from balanced and strong, to a raging lunatic at times. Because of the "hurt" in his life from being rejected by the community, Having a "f'd" up child hood, a horrible mother "crack head, literally", being in one abusive relationship to another, and his history of always choosing the "drug Dealers" at the clubs to date...he has come to a point where not only is he at times a recovering addict to drugs, but he drinks ""A LOT"", is in a relationship with a fellow alcoholic "who he pushes to the brink of beating him at times" [now disclaimer, I'm not saying he deserves to be beaten up, but I swear to god If my husband provoked me and talked to me the way he talks to his husband, i'd be damned if he wouldn't end up with a lamp up side the head at times too...**no i'm not violent...just twitchy, lol] He is also co dependent to the point of never letting anyone around him grow and change or be happy, he's so unhappy that he intentionally drags those around him down, He has a serious problem with porn and sex in general and has contracted Hiv due to his "free" behavior and has passed it on to several others who in turn don't seem to care, and while all of these issues are bad his worse problem is that He CAN NOT take accountability for anything he does wrong. he feels entitled to treat anyone how he does, no matter what the consequences.
I gave you that back story, because to me he has become that tragic symbol of the lack of support and detremental behavior that is propagated through out the gay community. I have tried to make a stand in my local community so many times about the need to take responsibility for our actions, to work for the betterment of our group, to stop all of the "token" gay stereotypes because they just hurt the community at large, but being a bisexual woman I am shunned to a certain extent from the gay community as a whole. Always being told I should pick a side and such, even by him.
I find it all very frustrating, to see the need for such extreme help in a group of people so mistreated in general...it is sad that I know more gay addicts than straight ones. It makes me angry that it feels like no one cares at times. The groups back home that work to help with gay rights and equality are lead by a lot of the gay "leaders" that in public seems to be standing up against the stereotypes but end up being the ones at the club doing meth in the back room, taking home who ever will go with them, and perpetuating the endless cycle of no responsibility for ones actions. I've finally lost any ability to be a part of my friends life, it has drug me down so many times by his own choices and intentional attempts to hurt me...I just pray that someone can step in soon and stop the cycle.
Thanks for listening to my rant, I know it was off topic, but I needed to get that out.
Peace and love,
Crys
