[Jacinda24]

Well I'm a 27 year old attractive female. I'm not sure where to start, but I know my life began the day I met Derek in October of 05. I was never so happy in my entire life, I felt God had brought us together. I remember crying in a restaurant bathroom all by myself while he sat alone at the bar because I realized my life was about to begin and I believed we were made to be together. He was my first real boyfriend & I was his first real girlfriend. We waited about 3 months before we had sex. I didn't want to rush anything, we were both virgins. And he was so shy it seemed. I always made the first move but I could sense that he liked it that way and I was ok with it. But then i began to question him because he would never make a move?
Sex was always awkward, I thought it was because we were both new at it, but I found out too soon/too late otherwise.
I remember the first time I caught him. We were having an argument about how we don't have enough sex(I started it) and he said he was too tired after work, granted he's 21 years old at this time. So I decide to leave.( He lives with his dad and 2 sisters) So I go outside to leave and I decided not to leave because I really didn't want to fight. I came back inside and noticed his bedroom door was shut and i could hear sexual noises coming from the tv. I knocked on the door and I could hear the dvd player door open in an effort for him to hide his porn movie. I demanded he open the door, and after a few minutes he did(after he tried to conceal the evidence) I was so upset because here we are arguing about sex, he thinks I left and he just goes right ahead and breaks out the porn to pleasure himself. This was the first time I began to think "What's wrong with me? Why are'nt I good enough?" I love this man with all that I am and all that I have to give. We then argued a bit, I told him I could'nt be in a relationship with someone who's addicted to porn. He begged me not to leave, that I was the most important thing in the world to him, and he promised he would stop.
Then I caught him again. Then I began to snoop, I found hundreds of magazines, and many videos. I could tell when he purchased them because he was stupid enough to leave the receipts with some of the videos. He kept promising to stop though.
Then sex became non-existent. First maybe once or twice a month, and he could never orgasm(I believe it's because he masturbates too much and can't enjoy the feeling of real sex/love) It made me feel so ashamed that I couldn't/can't make him orgasm. I frequently would cry myself to sleep about it. He usually would just finish himself. I began to notice that I was the one doing all the kissing and touching and he just lays there with his eyes closed enjoying it, yet never reciprocating it back to me. How do you truly love a person and not want to make them happy and feel good? I do believe he truly loves me, but I also believe that he does not know how to love. I believe porn has robbed that from him, he doesn't even know it. He tells me he loves me everyday but it sure doesn't feel like love.
I guess I began to accept it. I thought I love this man and if this is the way I have to live then I don't need physical love/sex, I can do without it. And now I feel so lonely and sad, I miss him so much it hurts...deeply.
I would do anything for this man, anything at all. I long to make him happy, and we've grown farther and farther apart. I talked to him about it,cryed with him about it,emailed him about it , and it's like he pretends it does'nt even exist. Recently I found an email he had sent to an online porn star about how she was the women of his dreams, how she had an amazing voice and body. Oh and he would like to see more smoke rings because women smoking really turns him on, Smoking women and some kind of leg/foot fetish thing.
It's funny in a sense because I remember asking him very early on in the relationship if he had porn or liked it and he denied it all.
After meeting him I felt like the most amazing person in the world and now almost three years later, that person is gone. I no longer feel amazing, but quite ugly and very unattractive.
I even went through the whole thing of buying slutty outfits and shoes and makeup because that's what turns him on, but after much research I've come to understand that it does'nt matter what i do, he can't reach that "high" that comes with viewing porn and pleasuring one'self. I can't be that fantasy, because i'm real. Porn is selfish, and makes the viewer only care about himself and their sexual pleasure, leaving the one they "love" cold and dark in the shadows.