[Lucky Man]

Hello everyone, my name is lucky man and I’ve posted once on the new members forum, but have hesitated to start my journal until now. I’m 47 years old and married to Storm and have a 7 year old daughter. I have been p and mb free since June 1st (60 days!). This has been easy to do, probably because of the pain I see in Storms face on a daily basis, that and realizing what a dark nasty lie I was living.
I have been around p my whole life, and mb’d on a regular basis. I don’t know when a habit turns into an addiction, but I have a feeling I have been addicted a lot longer than I would like to believe. I have always thought of myself as normal and healthy, and that I never had any problem, that never crossed my mind. But looking back at the last 8 years, I can say YES I have a problem, and YES it’s a big one.
When Storm and I were dating 11 or so years ago, we got our first pc, and having NO experience with one dove in head over heals with all of the information and was amazed by all of the things you could look up. Then boom…to p land I went, and in about 10 minutes had more pop-ups that I could get out of. So I just shut down the computer and explained to my love that I was stuck in p land and just wanted to see what it was all about. (which was true at that time) I promised her that I wouldn’t go back there and she warned me of the dangers of such sites-i.e. viruses, constant pop-ups and getting in over my head). Then we got married and everything was great. We had our wonderful daughter 3 years later, and this is where I believe my demons took over. I used the fact that we were tired and having a lot less time alone together as an excuse to mb. Still thinking I didn’t have a problem had unknowingly replaced my love with my habit. For the next 7 years I made Storm feel that there was something wrong with her, that the lack of intimacy and affection was her fault. I knew she was aware of my little vhs tapes and justified my actions by saying to myself that she isn’t interested and I’m not doing anything wrong. She told me on a regular basis that in the bedroom she always had to be the initiator and that was true. It became a job for her, and I always looked forward to the one time a month when we would be together. Last year I had a look at a video that I didn’t feel was p, it wasn’t a p site but did include nudity. Storm found this and told me AGAIN how this hurt her, and how she feels cheated on, and told me AGAIN of the dangers, let alone we have a child in the house and this crap shouldn’t be on the computer. I said that I understand, and although I didn’t think of it as p it was wrong and promised AGAIN not to look at anything at all like p again.
In February I sent Storm some flowers on line and not wanting her to see the site on the pc, asked a pc geek if there was any way to get rid of it. He told me how to delete the history. Bad idea. It wasn’t long before I was looking at a cool E-mail a friend had sent me of this hand glider, I went to their home site and saw their link partners, and before you could say DON”T DO IT, was back in p land deleting all my sites when I was done. I did this when ever I could, whenever I was alone, I thought about when I could do it next. I was also finally seeing a change in myself, more irritable more moody, more distant, and feeling pretty scummy about what I was doing and had told myself this has to end.
On June 1st, my love of my life found all my p cookies that I didn’t know existed. She had such trust in me that she thought it was on the adobe that she had installed and was furious that something so vile would be on there. She called me into the room to show me, and my first response was it’s not mine, but that was a lie. And after telling that it was mine—her world blew up. This is up to D-day and I am sick of my own voice in my head, to anyone who has read this sorry it’s so long but I needed to regurgitate….until next time……. LM