[brulant]

When I was endlessly reading and researching while with an active PA/SA I found out about something very interesting about the human brain that I think is very apropos for SO's and PA's alike.

There is a small section of the brain called the Amygdala, latin for nut or cashew nut because of its shape. The Amygdala is pure reptilian instinct; it has no other function than to protect us from pain. It is pure fight or flight instinct. It has no long term thinking, let alone rational or logical thought. It must and it will do anything and everything in its power to protect us from pain.

Have you ever wondered why you can't remember some significant fact or piece of your history?

Have you ever wondered why you go back to something painful or something which you know caused you pain before?

Have you ever wondered why when you feel stress, anger, frustration, etc. you want a drink (or a quick fix of p for a PA)?

Have you ever wondered why you broke your boundary and called him/her back when you swore you never would before?

Have you ever suffered from "heartbreak" or a sorrow so deep that you wound up doing something that made you feel better even though you know at a gut level that its something you shouldn't do?

Why does battered wife syndrome or stockholm syndrome exist? Why do these people go back or begin to identify with the trauma provider?

These are Amygdala responses.

When it comes to feeling pain, the Amygdala often immediately remembers that something once made you feel good. Since it has no long term thinking and no sense of logic or reason it just knows that at one time that thing made you feel better so it wants to provide you with that thing.... that amazing feeling it remembers instinctually.

When it comes to relationships or addictions we often go with these instincts often believing that it is true, logical or rational at the time. Addicts hear the Amygdala telling them to go for that fix because otherwise they will go through withdrawal. SO's will often go back because they hear the Amygdala's trickery that that other person is (really was) a source of emotional support or self-esteem booster.... but they can't seem to remember that this thing is now a great source of pain and self-esteem destroyer.

Okay, so what do we do now that we know?

How can we teach an old dog new tricks? Can we really change our mind? Can we really re-train our brain?

The brain as I know it after lots of research, reading, and through previous knowledge, consists of pathways and synaptic connections. These pathways begin similarly to a deer path and the more they are used the bigger they become and the stronger the synaptic connections. This does not mean that they are the end-all be-all, though.

The more we struggle to change or the more insecure we become the more that we cause ourselves anxiety, depression, guilt, fear, etc. The more of those emotions we feel the more we crave something to end that pain. The Amygdala rises to the occasion and hands us a quick fix solution to end those feelings and to prevent pain. Unfortunately, though, what it hands us also makes us have even stronger feelings of guilt, shame, insecurity, anxiety, etc..... so it craves more to end those feelings.

We SO's often confuse these feelings with "what our heart is telling us". That's what I've concluded anyway. I haven't found anyone applying the Amygdala stuff to what we go through, but then again not much is devoted to what we go through.... except to tell us that we somehow caused it, asked for it, or wanted it.... as though we were to blame.

What we go through is really quite rational, though, if you look at how the brain works and how trauma works on the brain.

There is a concept in Eastern philosophy or thought which is called mindfulness.

Mindfulness is just about being aware, actually.

When we are aware of something we can deal with it. When we are educated about something we can begin to work with it, deal with it, and find another way.

Nothing changes if nothing changes, right?

SOOOOO!

Once we are aware that the Amygdala exists we know what our weaknesses are. Once we know when and how we are susceptible we can accept what our reactions are going to be and that they are normal.... normal reactions to abnormal situations, as they say.

So if and when our trained reflex (Amygdala response) is going to strike we can begin to think of another way to deal with the situation. The key, though, is to not give ourselves grief if we fail.

We are going to get angry. We should be angry at a lot of things!!! We need to train ourselves in better avenues and ways for that anger to come out. Anger will trigger us and them, but we cannot compromise ourselves in the process and if an outburst happens then it will be used against us.

We know we are going to feel incredibly sad, insecure, etc. so how do we figure out other ways for these emotions to come out which won't trigger further Amygdala responses and send us spiralling down that rabbit hole of shame, blame, guilt, etc. again?

Its time that we pay attention to our responses.
Are they rational or irrational?

Will they trigger negatives that will compromise our integrity with ourselves or with our partners?

Pay attention and begin to work on alternatives or figure out what won't trigger those Amygdala cycles.

Sometimes this means we have to leave.... but often it won't happen that first time.

Sometimes this means we have to walk away or stop allowing those buttons to be pushed so that our SO's can use our response to trigger their own rationalizations for a fix.

It takes time to create new pathways in our brains and the longer we've repeated those same old responses the harder its going to be to find a new way or a way out.

I started keeping daily notes.

Gradually I was able to begin seeing patterns showing themselves. Some of these patterns displayed themselves to be trauma anniversaries (read Alice Miller for more info). SOme of these patterns were things that my partner was doing and my brain wasn't letting me remember them.... especially during arguments when he was putting me on the defensive to distract me from the real issue at hand. Some of these patterns demonstrated themselves to be things that I was doing that wound up compromising my boundaries or my integrity with my active PA partner at the time. Then he would make me feel guilty about it and I felt ashamed and became further isolated from my friends and community or stopped meeting new people, etc.

Its always good to know what to expect of and from ourselves. Often we aren't aware of the how's and why's of what we do and/or why we do it. Didn't we swear that we would never do that again or put up with that behavior again?

Now that you understand maybe you can begin to accept understand and forearm yourself against that tricky and oh so seductive Amygdala response!

Its never too late to change your mind.
Its never to late to give change a chance.

Be well and never forget to give yourself a hug and an apology if you need to. Often times the one that we betray is ourselves and we forget to make amends to the one thing that's the most important.... our own self.

We deserve a break and we deserve to love ourselves especially when things feel the darkest.

take care and much love
brulant