[FoolishMind]

Originally Posted by hope phul

How do I feel? I wrote this late last night when I couldn't sleep. I shared some of it with my husband but it only overwhelmed him and made him feel worthless. Why does he focus on that instead of helping me feel better. I have done nothing but try to encourage him and focus on him for the last 72 days.
I feel inferior. I feel fat. I feel like I need to lose weight so when the time comes, I can be attractive to others.
I feel hopeless. I feel like I am not good enough.
I feel frustrated because by sharing how I feel, it overwhelms my husband.I feel hurt that my husband is overwhelmed by everything and I take a back burner
I feel betrayed.I feel like I am in a drowning wave pool.I feel helpless. I feel let down.I feel sad. I feel alone, so alone. I feel lonely
I feel deceived.I feel changed in a negative way.I feel angry.I feel bitter. I feel resentful.I feel unable to get a handle on this
I feel frustrated.I feel like I want to lash out.I feel like that won’t solve anything. I feel like having an affair.I feel like maybe then my husband would understand my not “just getting over it”.I know this isn’t the best solution but I just want to feel loved and desired.
I feel like I have to be strong and that is that last thing I am feeling. I feel like I should be perfect and move on. I can’t move on. I can’t stop thinking of my past unknown deceived 12 years of my life.
I feel unimportant. I feel 2nd , 3rd, 4th to everything else in my husbands life
I feel disconnected from my heart and brain. I have read enough to understand addiction but I can’t understand it in my heart and in my situation.
I feel confused.I feel hurt. I feel like I am whirling inside
I feel like I have to go on because the world goes on while I seem to be stuck in a time warp
I feel innocence lost.I feel like I want out but I don’t want to go anywhere.I feel angry that my kids have to grow up in this.I feel frustrated that I have worked so hard to protect my heart and I still have all of these feelings.
I feel tricked in to marrying someone that I didn’t really marry. I was tricked to believe I was marrying a pure man who loved me and would always put me first (after God). In truth Stars were first in his life. I was a distant second.
I feel angry that I have to live with this for the rest of my life.I feel frustrated that it is up to me to heal myself. My H doesn’t see the extreme importance of doing things to make me feel special or build me up. He tore me down to nothing and I have to rebuild me, us our family.
I feel like it is all on my shoulders. It overwhelms and depresses my H to even think about having to deal with me.
I feel frustrated that H feels like he is doing all he knows how. How did he do all of those kind and sweet things when we were dating. Do I not mean that to him now? I am not worth investing the effort and energy that he invested into porn stars? Am I not worth forgetting all of the other crap in the world and just thinking of me (ie finances, old house, etc) I feel so inferior to the porn stars and everything else.
I want to know EVERY secret. I want to hear details. I want all of this out in the open. I feel conflicted on that feeling because will this help or hurt?
I desperately want a friend in a similar situation to talk to and understand what I am going through. I feel so alone not having anyone to talk to that understands what I am going through.
I feel like I want this all to end. I want my fairytale back. I want to pretend none of this exists. I want to be happy go lucky again. I want to enjoy life without this huge black cloud engulfing me.
I want my H to understand what I am feeling without getting depressed and overwhelmed.
I want my H to stop focusing so much on himself and focus on the wife he has destroyed.
I want to be able to share how I feel without having to turn around and forget how I feel so that I can comfort my H.
I want H to be encouraged by his 72 days of success.I don’t want him to beat himself up but to focus on rebuilding.
I want to trust again.I want to believe the best in people.I want to stop looking at every man as a pervert or porn addict I want a close friend.I desperately want a close friend that understand this.
I want this to be over.I want happiness again. I want to stop obsessing over how fat or ugly I am. I want to be secure in who God sees me as.
I want to lose weight for the right reasons not because I want to prove to my H that I am better than these porn stars.
I don’t want to be bitter or resentful. I am trying desperately to protect my heart from this poison. It is pounding at my heart’s door begging to be let in. I feel weary in keeping it out.
I feel emotional. That is a no brainer!I feel like I should not be feeling all of this stuff.
I want my H to overcome this depression and worry. I want him to be encouraged with his progress and life and not overwhelmed with life.
I want to feel taken care of.I want to feel loved and cherished.I want to feel valued.I want to feel attractive.
I want to know that we are now in a pure relationship without all of those other women in our bed.
I want to be able to go out with the girls and not worry the whole time if my husband is looking at porn and masturbating.
I want to stop being so curious how all of this stuff works. What is porn like. What did H want to see. What is he attracted to? What were his search criteria. What were the videos in his vault? Why did he choose those videos to keep and watch over and over again. How did he masturbate? What were the MNO nights like when I was gone. Did he do it around the kids. What were business trips like. Where did he masturbate in a hotel room?
Is it worth knowing all of these secrets?
Is it true that he doesn’t picture other girls when we have sex?
Should I stay, is it worth it? Am I in for a lifetime of hurt and betrayal. Is my H going to overcome this or eventually just give into it.
How do I protect my heart? Should I protect my heart? Should I set boundaries?
Will my H slip up and give in to these urges and temptations?
Can I do anything to help him not to give in?

By Hope Phul
Original post: How I am feeling and an introduction