[brulant]

I think its important to examine the warning signs from the perspective of what we go through, too.

Here are some warning signs for YOU to look out for within YOU!!!

1) You start dressing sexier or doing more things that you normally would never have done.

Be very careful of things which compromise your integrity and self-esteem because they can have incredibly damaging side effects. The partner will often use them against you or them as a means to go further just to warn you.

2) Feel like you need to balance the equation.

PA starts somewhere and often the brain will play tricks on you. These, too, can cause devastating consequences to your self esteem and integrity. What is good for the goose is *not* good for the gander in this context especially! Be careful of wanting to start on-line relationships, too.

3) Feeling like you're not good enough.

Our brains will immediately look at how we might have caused this. If we state this the world will always hold us accountable for this, too. Its part of why the co-dependency stuff is spewed so often. Often we take on the shame and blame that isn't ours to bear.

4) Getting irritable, cranky, or depressed (which the former are often symptoms of).

These are signs that our gut is telling us something is wrong. Learn to trust your gut and intuition. Anger, by the way, has several sources: 1) that guilt is triggered inside of us (think of how addiction affects people and what they do to not take responsibility or to shift the perspective to distract, etc.) 2) when our self-esteem and integrity are being compromised.

Anger is often a red flag to tell us that something is wrong. Find out how to turn that anger into something constructive instead of (self-)destructive.

A pattern that I discovered with my ex-PA was that he was pushing my buttons in order to get a reaction from me so that he could then use it as a rationalization/justification to act out. When I learned how to stop "reacting" to those buttons because I was becoming aware of the patterns (I had started keeping a daily record in a calander) it turned out that he knew he was "busted", but he did what he wanted anyway.

5) Isolate ourselves.

This is by far the most dangerous thing we can do. If we are isolated from friends, family, and community we are less likely to find out, see, hear, etc. that something wrong *is* really going on.

Another common thing is that we commonly will change location (move) so that our partners are no longer triggered. This doesn't work!!! We just become more isolated from those who care about us and addicts will find their addiction anywhere/everywhere.

Take care of yourselves and don't forget to show appreciation to those around you even if you feel embarrassed or ashamed. Shame and embarrassment are also really great signals that something is wrong.... and its probably *NOT* us! ; )

good night everyone!!
much love

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